i regret writing every single line of code.
they tell you to build things. solve problems. innovate. they tell tou its fullfilling to see something you created out in the world, being used by people, making an impact. what a load of shit.
last february, during foundation week, i had an idea. a simple one. a place for dlsl students to talk anonymously. a little corner of the internet just for us. i called it animochat. i thought i was doing something good.
so i chained myself to my fucking laptop. for weeks. sleep was a suggestion. food was whatever i could reach without looking away from the screen. and for what? to watch the user count go up? from the first few users, tens? hundreds?. each new registration was another hit, another dopamine spike that blinded me. i wasn't a 'builder.' i was an addict, mainlining my own ego, getting high off server logs.
but while i was building this digital space for everyone else, the space i had in the real world was shrinking. i was so obsessed with debugging features, disconnection issues that i didn’t see the disconnection happening right in front of me.
every line of code was a nail in the coffin of something that actually mattered.
yep it was me. it was my fault. i was busy. i told myself it was for the best. i had this project. this “success”.
dont you get it? no one did this to me. im the architect of this entire fucking disaster. i mined the ore, smelted the steel, machined the bullet, and pulled the fucking trigger on myself. this isn't misery by accident. this is misery by design. my design.
i wish it had failed. i wish the server had crashed down and never come back online. i wish it was just another forgotten project on my github that no one ever saw.
i buillt animochat. and god i wish i never had.